Strength and Surrender.

Strength and Surrender

  We often find out what we are made of through adversity or pain. 

Death, divorce, Loss in general.

Something that exploded in our lives that was not planned and derailed us permanently.

Losing our white picket fence fantasy of what life's supposed to be.

Kind of like covid did to the sheep.

Fighting to get back to normal, but never quite arriving.

I finally realized I didn't want that anymore, not the version that was ordained into me anyway.. 

 my derailment was,

After my son Death... In 2005.

End of March this year I believe will be 16 years ago.

I was at that time,

 lost in dysfunction with no direction or purpose or esteem not really wanting to live anymore.

I  resist Life and try my best to control the outcomes of every little move I made.

People places and things..

Trying to keep the wrong people "wanting" me or needing me in unhealthy ways.

Thinking my value was in service of others caring for fixing and helping.

 Trying to save anyone that crossed my path..

  burned into my brain from being an emergency service worker for almost 20 years.

Avoiding my demons nightmares and tragedies at all costs as my

PTSD And trauma seem to be served to me at every meal and that was already more that I could handle.

Always fearing that my true qualities the ones I enjoy and embrace as me were not enough to keep me in alignment with happiness & peace and or purpose.

Truly chasing love in all the wrong places.. 

Cliche or not.

Thinking my pain or my expressive nature of showing all sides of me was wrong.

I realized that

the tears that flow daily and the laughter that uncontrollably exits me is normal.

I now laugh more than I cry as it is so ridiculous how serious we are considering that we are all finite.

So tears and laughter and actually feeling and expressing things became

my normal.

And always will be.

My personal freak Show of growth faith laced with unknowing fear is my path of self-discovery now.

Following the sheep never worked for me.

I let people who are in there own "lack" of knowing.

 Their own lost journeys and misguided directives  be my compass.

The needle to magnetic north pointed nowhere I wanted to go.

They're blind confusion & chaos was a road map

I could not read or follow.

 Their map of Life that had coffee stains and addiction & dysfunction on a level I guess I needed to experience in retrospect.

I realized,

If they use the map at all it certainly had  no direction or value to me.

It led me nowhere I wanted to go.

Narnia I think not.

Such a mistake so much wasted time and so much progress lost.

Slowly I realize the weakness in my thought patterns and as I am so results oriented this journey required me to be awake like I had never been before. I had to take my sunglasses off permanently and remove anything that made me numb or dull or protected truly authentically open.

Radically open.

And then and only then did I find a path more suited to my loving soul connected to Nature and source.

Surrender is where I arrived.

I literally started to wander off in the woods with no direction no purpose just feeling safe with the wild animals and the unknown of nature brutality and Beauty all in one.

Alive once again.

Me.

I always felt safe in the middle of a forest no personal protection metaphorically naked to live or die. I found  surrender and it's godlike qualities.

I also realized,

It's way better to find people that do not insult your soul your essence your morals your guidance system.

Never ever ignore your intuitions.

Not the ones that are just full of fear of change I mean the ones that help guide us to peace and new experience.

What's meant to stay will stay.

You are always enough .

We all are.. we're designed in nature's image.. 

We are perfection

 Both as we come into Life and as we transition out of it, 

retuning to source.. to earth..

⁠

I found my self back then in deep despair after so much trauma and the loss.

Deaths of my son and only brother. Truthfully it felt like my soul fractured into a million pieces.

Parts of me gone forever..

They left me alone.

Reborn as a new person I didn't know. 

  I quit Life for awhile, on a path to deeply know myself in ways I could not imagine.

 This took an immense amount of faith and surrender and time.  

The hardest personal journey one could imagine.

I will never again compromise my values, happiness or faith for anyone or anything.  

Life is way too short. 

The road was paved at first for me lit up by street lights and off-ramps and cities and destinations that had no value to me anymore.

I actually found my way back to me, 

on dirt roads in nature .

Into the wild.

Leading me back to who I am.

 

Nature baptized me to live in Awe , Grace and gratitude which in turn, shaped who I presently am. Lance

Thank God for dirt roads and campfires and all things that occur naturally without humanities touch.

Mother Nature my Church.

I've realized now people really are only interested in their next experience.

They use people places and things to try and feel whole.

And as I understand that Journey now.

It is not mine.

I will continue to wander into the trees, soft pine needles under my feet, bugs worms weeds and critters...

Fierce and tame.

Brutal and kind.

Beautiful sunshine and beautiful storms.

The contrast of life.

&

Untamed me.

🌲🌻

Happy Day✌️

Ps

Thanks for the therapy.

😊

Gratitude & my Daily Writings.

 Gratitude and grace my Daily Writings. 

I'm thankful for a new day for fresh air spring weather.

I'm thankful for love and New beginnings

I'm thankful to mother Nature and source and Powers greater than myself.

I'm thankful to finally have surrendered not having to carry such a load by myself.

I am grateful for the fact that I am not responsible for everything and everyone.

Just me.

I'm thankful for friends and familia.

I'm thankful for all my material things my truck my trailer my quad my excavator my tools my work my life. To much to list.

I am thankful for my ability to do many things and to create.

 From these skills create value and wealth.

I am happy tohave my health

And take an active controlling role in it.

Have a great gratitude to source.

And I am grateful for my ability to operate my human physical existence in great grace and gratitude wrapped in appreciation and surrender.

I am forever thankful for the opportunity to just be here.

This is heaven I believe 💜

The tools I use are:

My daily writings, meditation and keeping our home Zen our retreat a peaceful place to recharge and regenerate.

I use intention, interest, focus, intuition, habit, reason, memory, love, clarity, perception.

Changes in perception & growth in Spirit soul and knowledge.

Peace, meditation, surrender, emotional control and always a pause or two to think and reflect and not react.

And in my writing with my 

" Left Hand " 🖖

 I repeat each day.

I am so happy and grateful now that I know that my spiritual DNA is perfect and perfection is within me.

I beginning today living in a way as to see this reflected in my daily actions and words.

And I end with a statement that changes daily.

Something like this:

As I continue on this journey of life. I am blessed to have a new beginning and I will write the new chapters with Grace and kindness. Always staying true to me and my beliefs morals and values. I will honor my damaged parts with attention and Truth exposing them and healing them and building Trust within my heart and soul again. Always doing life my way authentically at all costs and loving thyself in this progress. Live in kindness and Grace and always assume the best of people.

Never doing anything that insults my soul.

Never ignor our inside intuitions our moral compasses, the feeling in the pit of your stomach or the center of your heart. 

For it is telling you the truth it is warning you or asking you to change or alter a perception or direction. Learn to understand this inside feeling and voice.

Do all  things with a pause and all things in moderation.

Learn something new everyday and be kind to a stranger.

Keep your circle small trust is always earned daily you don't just get it for life.

So when you have it honor it.

Peace and love as,

 always from the dark side that seems so very bright.

Have an awesome spectacular spring.

Sir Lance

✌️😎💜

-----We think to Much !

.........We Think to much.........

"We think that the point is to 

pass a test or 

overcome a problem, 

but the truth is that 

things don't really get totally worked out ever.

Life's just full of contrast that we need to resolve and guide us a long life's path.

Things come together and they fall apart. 

Then they come together again 

and fall apart again. 

Life is fluid.

The healing comes from 

letting room 

for all of this to happen: 

room for grief, 

for relief, 

for misery, for trauma

for joy for all the good and bad. Always learning to stay happy and in alignment with self and in alignment with one's own journey and goals values and beliefs.

This is true as well in relationships and connection.

  Nothing is random.

 Your emotions, are your guidance system they belong in your head and your heart, with your INTUITION to make sound decisions that are aligned with truths and values with a planned destinations of gratitude.

Your emotions, 

not the world or someone else's.

Your truth isn’t everyone else’s truth, it’s YOUR truth and you are here to hone that voice that is informing you of exactly where you are in your journey always giving you feedback in your gut.

Life is challenging, even for the most aligned peaceful intellectualy nuanced and wise soul's. 

 Don’t let appearances fool you.  Everyone struggles, it gets easier as you move into self love, but everyone struggles. 

People struggle to the point of stealing your energy when you're peaceful focused and full of positivity and in Love.

 Human souls can be like sponge to absolve their sins in some strange way that I've never understood.

A guilty conscience needs no accusers...🤔

They're attracted to you like a fly is to the Light..

As light creates growth and photosynthesis changing light into energy they crave. So even the most tarnished soul seeks the light you carry and passes through us all..

 Be as centered, aligned and firm in your never ending ascension and path of life as you possibly can navigate.

It truly is your only choice and refuge from this chaotic filled world and planet.

Even if it seems cliche..

We will find ourselves challenged in relationship, love, forgiveness and compassion always as we learn to trust only information from inside of us not outside. 

Places like:  Source / God / Nature / You..

Pick your favorite word for  they all mean the same thing ultimately.

Because this is the way.  

These are opportunities to make decisions that support your inner being... 

You.

not the people outside of you not the world outside of you.

We walk around  asleep and awake with peace and ease fear and pain Love and hate frustration and motivation all at the same time.

So do your best to

Stay on the right path always aligned with your morals and values and beliefs.

Trust yourself maybe you're right and everyone else is wrong ever consider that..

I didn't but I am now.

As much as I used to hate the words it's my way or the highway..

Hmmmm the metaphor resonates with me now.

That’s it

Have faith in your process, don’t fight it but embrace the ebb and flow of it.

For it is truly you..

    your essence is love.

I used to trust and search outside of me for wisdom that I collected from other people books, enlightened souls seeking knowledge.

People I felt wiser than myself.

I know now that I am more than self as I am connected to much more than I even understand.

And everyone is exactly where they're supposed to be learning along the way  & their destination is not yours.

I know this now and trust only myself.. Source..  and a few closely connected souls I trust.

I selfishly decided to live with my rules my alignment my beliefs my way..

I only compromise or entertain other thought processes when they are wrapped in loving intention without agenda.

But only then..

So if you're reading this give it up.. 

Look within... Cliche or not it's always an inside job.

Peace and love from the dark side that seems so bright.

Be kind Fuckers. .

     😎✌️💜

Ps.

Source please,

Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children & and nature.

Keep me away from those  who do not live in awe and gratitude of this life we have been blessed and given.

&

Keep me away from those who resist surrender.

✌️😎